two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
