I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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