So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she smelled like a LAN party
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
