Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
