i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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