I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
