Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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