i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
