I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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