It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
