I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
