I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
