Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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