I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
