Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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