I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
tell your sister to shave her snatch
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
