I puked a lego.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
