You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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