No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
