You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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