I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
