Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
