Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
