I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
