I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
