Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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