corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
