i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
