soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
