Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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