I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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