well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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