At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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