i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
