thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
