you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
