his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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