she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
