i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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