you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
