So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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