Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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