He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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