I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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