I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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