I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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