Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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