Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
