I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
