Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
